Against the Wind

I’m up late this morning

The sun much higher in the sky

But still pleasant outside

Due to the strong wind

Blowing strands of my hair across my face

So hard I need to pin it back

To continue writing

The waves are like ocean waves this morning

Higher peaks and stronger current

Than these normally calm waters

Tempestuous

Our neighbor’s canvas boat cover flapping constantly

In the high wind

Sounding like the crack of a whip

Some fishermen still out

Braving the strong current

As their little boats bob up and down

These waters are still good for fish

I suppose

Though the current underneath the surface

Seems just as strong as the waves above

Every now and then a wave so strong against the boat ramp

My foot is splashed with water

Even on this high dock

I love watching how water moves

How it is at the mercy of wind

It crashes into the seashore behind me

Pushing seaweed onto the beach

The ducks looking like they are in a wave pool

They cannot make headway

They remind me suddenly of me

How I sometimes push against the will of God

My feet paddling furiously underneath the water

All I get for my trouble

Is a splash of water in my face

A little seasick perhaps

But I am being pushed in a different direction

Pointless to push on out against the wind

The will of God

Is not terribly hard to discover

Most of it is in his Word after all

Most decisions are really very clear

Little moral ambiguity

What God doesn’t reveal through his Word

He often reveals through circumstance

And through the counsel of other people

People we can trust

Oh but I am so slow to learn

Sometimes I want that shiny thing

That bauble that will most certainly hurt me

God says no

His current pushing me back towards shore

Like a child

I weep over that lost thing

The thing that was never mine to begin with

The thing that might hurt me if I tried to get it

And sometimes we have something for a time

But it is only for a time

It is not meant to be for all times

Leading a school was one of those things

Like paddling out against impossible waves

Pushed by the winds of politics

Trying to please all the people

All the time

Learning it was not possible to please some of them

Any of the time

And while someday I’d like to

Put into practice all that I learned

How much more I would pray!

God gently

Sometimes not so gently

Pushed me back into shore

Blew me to a cove of safety

A place where I could do

Instead of argue

Be creative

Instead of being stressed

Build strong kids

Instead of trying to repair broken adults

See the fruits of my labor

Instead of feeling like I was wandering in a desert

The thing that is so hard to accept

Even on the very windy days

Is that I was good at it

Good at the problem solving that came with leadership

Good at managing people’s expectations

Often delivering more than they were expecting

Good at understanding a vision in my soul

Good at taking the hard calls

The ones no one else wanted to take

But just because you are good at something

Does not mean you are called to do it

God, after all, equips the called

He does not call the equipped

I was called to do it for a time

But only for a time

I have not ruled out the possibility

That I will lead again one day

But the cost of leadership is high

It is always high

It always costs more than you are willing to give

Always

This is what reminds me even now

To put down my pen and pray for my leaders

I have worn the mantle they now wear

And it can be heavy

It can be lonely too

But today

For right now

God has reminded me

He has me where He wants me

I do not need to push against

The current of his will

I can let it push me

Further into shore

Further into Him

I can give up what I’m best at

I’ve seen him make me better at other things

At new things

When I have only been willing to learn

Using my energy in ways that create good in the world

Like taking photos for others to enjoy

Helping a child develop as a writer

Learning to craft words myself in ways I had not before

A block of wood in the hands of a master craftsman

Letting him make it into what shape he chooses

The ducks took advantage

Of a slight lull in the wind

They paddled down to the next beach over

But I can see them even now

As the wind picks up

They are being pushed back

Back into our cove

Where they started from

The cove where they are often fed by hand

What better place is there really

Than the center of God’s will?

I have always gained

More than I have lost

When I have followed after Him

Paul considered

Everything a loss

Compared to the surpassing greatness of

Jesus

Perhaps all the little losses

Along the way

Are meant to teach us this

That in Him is joy

It can never be found in lesser things

Sometimes those lesser things must be

Stripped away

For us to understand

To accept

That He is enough